Ruth Kidenya

4 Tips for handling “honey I am going to be late….”

Bad day? Hubby running late? This is for you…..

I have a cracking headache, I spent all morning at the kids’ school. It was grandparent’s day, but only one grandparent could make it. This is problematic when you have four kids needing support. Someone always feels left out… so off I trot, baby and 3 year old in tow, to ease some of the feelings that come for my primary aged kids, when life doesn’t always go to plan. Did I mention that classrooms are not designed for prams?

Anyways, a trip to McDonald’s ( the customary price for a 3 year old that did stunningly well through 2 hours of classroom hopping, choir singing and grandparent adoration) and a large cup of coffee later, I am still not restored. The rest of the day looms, and my headache gets worse , sore throat, blocked nose, and I am regretting my morning. I go to self preservation mode. I message my Hubby. Can he go to the grocery store since I am worn out from the 2 nightly breast feeds, the headache and cold, and will most certainly be hot mess after the school run, a few breastfeeds, homework, dinner prep and whatever else walks in the door in the next couple of hours.

He messages back: “Won’t be home on time, client event after work.” “What time will you be home?” I frantically message. “Finishes at 7:30 – should be home by 8:30 pm.” I am at a loss. Did I miss a memo? A conversation? Did he say something and I didn’t hear it. No, it simply “came up.” These are the panicky moments. The tough moments.

I can’t clock out, I can’t ignore the needs of the kids. We tried that a few times, it tends to make more work than when you just “get on with it.” A memorable Saturday springs to mind. Hubby & I both were sick with gastro. The kids had a great day, watching TV, and spreading cereal from one end of the house to the other. I, on the other hand, had the pleasure of vacuuming corn flakes up for days!

So how do we manage this kind of situation? When the unexpected happens? Someone is sick, someone has to work late, a child has to get somewhere with short notice?

If I assume that there will never be unexpected changes to plans or challenges, I have a very unrealistic view of family life. Stuff happens everyday that we are not expecting. It can’t be helped, and it can’t be controlled. Getting angry or frustrated, and then venting that frustration is a large, useless, waste of energy I don’t have. Here’s my top tips for surviving these types of situations with my marriage, and sanity in tact:

Learn to say SORRY if plans change . Even if it wasn’t your fault, this isn’t about blame, it’s about understanding and acknowledging that change causes inconvenience to others. This validates your spouses feelings. Most days are great, some days everything goes wrong. If your spouse is working, don’t assume you know what kind of day they are having. Say sorry upfront if either of you are late, or plans change.
Learn to ASK. For example, if you are late, is your expectation your spouse will hold down the fort? Did you ask them to do that? OR did you just assume they would? What if their day was disastrous and you are parent relief? Like a sports team, parenting should be a team effort. Whoever is part of your team – it’s so much easier when plans change if “asking” goes on. To highlight how my hubby and I would have this conversation….”Honey I have to work later tonight, I know you are tired, are you going to be ok? What could you leave for me to do when I get home so it’s easier for you? I know this was unexpected.” This is simple kindness at work and it does take practice to not react but ask for help rather than assume.
Learn each other’s communication style – and be prepared to adjust yours. Do you always asking permission or do you never? Do you tell one another what you are doing or do you ask? Do you ask each other’s opinion? Do you follow one another’s advice? We all have a communication style. To successfully balance challenges in family life, we need to communicate what we need to hear in pressured situations. In my case I need to be asked. If I am asked, I remember to be gracious (that’s fine honey) . If I am simply told, I feel taken advantage of. Has the situation changed? Nope… still got to live with challenges, but adjusting how hubby and I speak to one another means this little hiccup doesn’t turn into an argument.
Recognize the pressures you are both under. Day to day, we don’t really see our spouses in action. It’s easy to assume that our role is harder. When really it’s just different. Habit Number 5, of 7 Habits of Highly effective people is so key for family life. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. It’s worth checking what’s going on before you react with verbal frustration towards the ones you love the most. This simple pause can save so much distress when dealing with the unexpected. I may not be able to fix everything myself, but together we can tackle most challenges. (Oh and learning to ask help from the grandparents really covers all bases….)
- Read more about the 5 Habit of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People here: https://www.franklincovey.com/the-7-habits/habit-5.html

Some context here:

My husband and I have decided that at this moment, his is the primary income. This has not always been the case, nor will it always be in future. Because we have had that conversation, (his goal for work this year was get more clients) we agreed upfront, that if a business opportunity comes up during the day, he would take it. Do I like this today? No – I’m over tired and I have a cold BUT I don’t have permission to get frustrated. Not really. We agreed together what would be best for our family…. so even when “life” happens, getting upset would only cause confusion. Do I want him focused on earning for our family while I am not working? Or do I expect him to put his income at risk to help me because I am having a bad day? The bad day can be lived through with a bit of scaling down the day’s activities, the loss of a great job, because I put pressure on him to be at home – much harder to replace in our situation.

In conclusion, it takes time and thought to create a kind and empathetic culture in your family. Whether dealing with extended family or even other types of carers, being late & plans changing short notice all have an impact on those who are involved. Pretending it’s no big deal eventually leads to a “you did this conversation” in our house. We have found that it’s best to ask for the help you need it when plans change, listen carefully before assuming, and start the conversation with “I’m sorry about this but…..

I hope these tips help you navigate frustrating moments like they have helped me.

Newborn caring and sharing

My brother-in-law asked me the other day how hubby and I manage new born care. Babies are hard work right? And as a bloke I think it’s a pretty reasonable question. What should he expect?

I do think it’s very different having baby #1 verses #2 or #3. At first I know my hubby was a little at sea with our first. I had baby experience in my teens, lots of babysitting and younger siblings. A new born baby can feel fragile and scary! The sweetest moment came when my hubby fell asleep with baby on his chest at a few days old. They have had a strong connection ever since.

After a few kids, I have noticed that hubby finds babies easier when they are 6 months or so. I asked him about this once and his response was typical and priceless, “Basically till they start smiling and talking and rolling, they just eat and sleep!” He’s right of course. My ma said something that has stuck, “You have 9 months before he even gets to see baby. You might need to give him as much time to adjust.” It’s good advice, a new baby stretches everyone. I had a 9 month head start to be mentally prepared… he has only just met this new person…

I give my hubby a chance to connect with the baby by delegating some part of baby’s routine… even if it’s just playtime or changing nappies. It becomes his thing, and he is often back at work within a month so he doesn’t always get the first smiles or the first dada’s. He would burst through the door ready for his time with baby. This became really helpful when I had toddlers. This meant mummy was free to spend some focused time on them, read a book and have a hug without baby in my arms.

Back to the extremely practical of how we split up new born care:

Hubby would bath baby and give me 10 minutes peace
Take bubby for walks or drives
Hold bubby while I have a walk!
Make dinner / do chores
Look after the other children while I care for baby
This usually lasts for 1-6 months

I did hear a priceless piece of advice from a friend who would express milk and give the weekend night watches to her hubby! If you both have to work during the 1-6 month stage, is a clever way to try and catch more zzz.

For me, expressing and using bottles messed a bit with my milk supply. But ultimately you have to do what’s best for you and your family. My motto is Motherhood should be guilt free… !

I don’t feel the need to push anymore… I just let hubby get to know this new person he is fathering. They build their own connection. I use to worry initially because my connection was stronger to start with, but I find by the time baby is fully interacting with Daddy – I can’t get a look in anyways….. 😂😂😒

Sleep management

How I manage my sleep with a new baby and older kids.
Advice from a mum of seven.

A question a lot of my friends ask is how I handle sleep deprivation when I have little bubba and lots of other kids to deal with the next morning. Honestly it is tough. But here is a few things hubby and I do……

I breastfeed. This is not an opinion. It’s just what I find easier to navigate when I am half asleep.
I keep baby in our room in a bassinet until old enough to sleep in rooms with other kids. The cue for us is when they are sleeping through the night regularly. (Mainly because we don’t have a separate room for baby and their siblings need to be awake at school. )
I don’t require hubby to get up to baby in the middle of the night. However, during the weekend or when he’s not at work, I get the sleep-ins, and try to take naps.
I drink a lot of liquid when I wake up. My mum use to say you should drink 1-2 cups of liquid (water, tea , coffee) after every feed. So if you are breastfeeding overnight you need to replace your liquids as a matter of priority. This is where hubby makes me a cup of tea first thing in the morning to say thank you for getting up to our baby. Why is this a priority you may ask? Simply that it helps to wake up and feel less like I haven’t slept.
I keep the room dark while feeding. This takes a bit of practice. I feed lying on my side. And unless I have to, I don’t change nappy till the morning. This is all in aid of helping baby to know that night is sleep time.

Are there nights when I have to get up? Yes! Is it fool proof? No. But this is what has worked for us when there are other kids to consider. My best advice is to take it slow and be kind to yourself when you have had a rough night. What really helped was identifying that most of my stress, emotions and frustrations were down to the fact I had interrupted sleep for months.

Once I understood that most people with lack of sleep do struggle with life demands, I got better at letting my hubby know I hadn’t slept well and needed a little TLC today myself. Sometimes just saying it out loud and drinking a pot of coffee really does help….

1# The start of …..

It’s 2.50 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Baby #7 is sleeping next to me. She’s not fond of her baby bed. She prefers all the noise of our very large and very noisy family. And I am juggling with how I am going to get everything done. Four months after my little lovely’s birth, and I am slowly getting back to “normal.”

But what is normal for a family of seven kids? What worked for two or three didn’t work for four and five. I was only just getting myself in gear for six. One thing I had learnt is not to push myself to hard to fast… that’s a sure fire way to end up in a large mess.

So here I am, four months in, back to my drawing board to work out how to navigate my growing tribe. I subscribe to the idea that even in my family I need to “start with the end in mind.” So here I go..

What core values do I want at work in my family?

In no particular order, honor, personal responsibility, kindness, peace, gratitude, patience and love.

How am I going to build these values in to the hearts of my children?

Honor is a tricky one. Honor to me is about valuing another for who they are. To me this come downs to listening, sharing and encouraging one another. There is also respecting and stewarding what we have – or “looking after our stuff.”

Personal responsibility is easier to define. Quite simply with my kids, this would be taking care of their stuff and completing their work (homework, chores etc). In future it will be them taking responsibility for their lives.

Kindness Patience & Gratitude. I am not sure you can teach kindness without patience, or have patience without gratitude. I think they tie very closely together. I really would like them to show kindness to each other, show gratitude to my husband and I, and exhibit patience with those around them.

Peace is more than calm. For me I am looking my kids to value peace. Quiet time sure, but it probably looks more like harmony and trust. Peace as in a peaceful existence, not looking for drama, demanding attention, but trusting that mum and dad see them, and no need to ”act up” to get attention.

Love is an action. And while I think it’s clear to our kids that my hubby and I love each other, and that we love them, a win here for me would be that they feel loved by one another. I know I know , I am shooting for the moon!

At this point, you may be wondering what my core values have to do with getting on top of my home after a new baby. I use to make long lists, set up routines, weekly planners, to do lists etc. But aside from driving my husband nuts, it didn’t necessarily produce much. It helped me organised what I had to do, but more than anything it often set out unrealistic expectations. If I didn’t get everything done, I felt like I was failing. And I spent a lot of time ”doing” and not as much time “being.”

Over the next couple of weeks I am going to blog about how I create my family plan. How it comes from what I value in my home, and it does link to every day tasks and activities.

The first step…

Why write a blog?

So here I am. Hubby has been saying for a while I need to write a blog. I think he’s hoping it will stop me buying and scribbling away in notebooks. Goodness knows we need the storage space. This is a big step for me. A big commitment to myself, a risk to put my “heart” on a page for others read and possibly judge.

And really why write in a blog? The discipline? The fame? The money? What’s it all for? A digital diary of your thoughts, ideas and heart musings for others to read… What a wonderful and terrifying thought. So why did I take the plunge today?

Baby #7 is finally asleep. And almost every woman I met or know, regularly shakes their head and asks me “How do you do it?” My trite answers feel like they are no longer enough. “Prayer and coffee,” I say or “I get lot’s of help,” even “I come from a large family, I was always going to have a few kids…”

Now, after having number seven, I realise I have been a little selfish. I haven’t wanted to let others see exactly how I go about raising my little tribe. My sisters are starting to reach the age where they will most likely have kids. I can see the questions in their eyes when the look at my world and feel completely overwhelmed by raising a family in 2019.

It’s time for me to be honest. It’s time for me to tell my story, if only to be honest with myself and my “sisters” whoever they may be.

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.” – Amelia Earhart